Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
I went swimming in the lake today. The water was cool and clear and I floated away from the children splashing by the shore, away from the noise of the road, drifting alone with the trees and the sky. Out in the deep water, I swam laps for a good hour before paddling back to shore. I found a comfortable sitting log among the shade trees by the lake and sat with my toes dangling in the water, resting and communing with nature. (Nature was mostly spiders.)
My muscles were sore from the effort of swimming. It was a little achy, but overwhelmingly it was a feeling of comfort, like my muscles were better settled on my bones than usual, better able to relax. In a way they almost felt virtuous, like they had earned this comfort.
Sometimes being hurt in kink gives me this same feeling. It’s the good hurt, the hurt of strong muscles and days in the sun, a hurt that brings pride as well as comfort. It’s a little pain mixed with a lot of endorphins.
Of course that’s all well and good, but there’s a whole lot of stuff that “oh yes, endorphins, just like a good hearty workout, totally understandable” doesn’t actually explain. My interests cluster around humiliation and control as much as they do around endorphins, and that’s harder to explain with wholesome workout metaphors.
The appeal of those things is… complicated. But for me, it’s often about freedom. Submission frees me from guilt and uncertainty about how to please others—I just have to do what I’m told, and I will be pleasing. Humiliation frees me from impossible expectations—nothing is expected of me but to have receptive flesh. Roleplay frees me from being myself at all. And a violent scene frees me from thinking about anything but here and now and ow.
When I say “when I’m bound, I feel free” I’m not speaking in baffling contradictions or engaging in willful denial. I mean it takes a huge freakin’ load off my mind.